Mute
by zigzagzoom94
Summary: Oh Matt Rutherford we hardly knew thee...a story from the perspective of the little-spoken Matt, namely in which he actually suffers from a speech disorder preventing him from talking. Spoilers for season 2.


"Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room here? Namely that this is my last therapy session with you; my parents are having financial difficulties after the divorce and can't afford any it."

"Oh god, I'm sorry Matt, I can't believe I forgot to ask. How are you coping with your parents' split?"

I paused for a moment.

"Look, I know I'm not the reason my dad's leaving, I know that it's not the case that he doesn't want me anymore, I know that they both love me, my parents have made sure that I know all that. Repeatedly."

"But?"

I looked over at Karen. She is, was, my speech therapist but really she was practically my psychiatrist.

"OK, you know about my friend Mike. Well over the holiday he started going out with this girl named Tina and, I don't know, I'm kind of worried he'll ditch me to hang out with his new girlfriend."

Karen raised an eyebrow.

"I know what you're going to say," I interjected "you're going to say I'm worrying too much and over thinking things like you've told me before-repeatedly-and I know I'm being crazy-paranoid about this but just because I know I'm being paranoid doesn't stop me being paranoid."

"Listen Mike, do you want my honest opinion? Your friend will probably want to spend more time with his girlfriend and therefore spend less time with you, but he'll still be your best friend. I know you're a very mature boy, especially the way you're handling your parents' divorce, maybe it's time you grabbed the bull by the horns, so to speak."

I thought of my first day at school. The teacher asked me a question and everyone looked at me so my brain just kind whited out, blue-screen-of-death style, leaving me sputtering and unable to meet anybodies eyes. I don't even know what she asked; all I could think about was the fact that I was standing in front of everyone opening and closing my mouth like a fish. The teacher was still staring at me as I desperately screamed at myself 'Say something, anything'.

Karen says that probably wasn't the start of my problem but still.

She says it's called selective mutism; I'm absolutely fine at home but when I'm at school I find it nearly impossible to actually say anything. Except for talking to Mike.

Leading up to the divorce the tension and atmosphere between my parents was suffocating. I actually started talking less at home and avoiding making eye contact, which I suspect forced them to talk about things and end up breaking up. Actually I suppose I could blame myself for the divorce. Sorry, it's just I hadn't thought of it that way before.

"So what's the arrangement with the divorce? Who are you going to live with?"

"Well my mum's moved out and she said I could live with her and switch to a new school-" the new term hasn't started yet so it's the best time to switch "-but I really don't think I could change schools."

"You don't exactly fit in at this one" commented Karen

Yeah, fitting in probably isn't the right term for it. "It's just I could barely handle it when I first moved to high school, if I changed to a completely new scene my brain would probably just explode."

Karen nodded sympathetically. "Well our session is about over but I wish you the best of luck when school starts up."

I nodded. "Bye Karen."

I was sitting on the bus the first day back at school with my coat laid out across the seat in a certain way. Mum was now living with her sister but called me every day and overall I think I'm handling things pretty well. My dad picks me up every day after school or football practice and tries to do stuff with me; I think he's trying to compensate for the divorce or something. Either that or my parents are vying for my affection, which is kind of sad. Before mum left they sat me down and made sure I knew that they the relationship was permanently over. Back when we had therapy sessions Karen suggested this was because sometimes children secretly fantasize about the parents getting back together and never really accept the divorce, which can be harmful to them emotionally. I really miss Karen.

A blonde boy who I don't recognize is making his way down the rows of the bus asking people if the seats are free and being uniformly rejected.

Automatically I reach for my I-pod. I liked to wear earphones in school because they discouraged people from trying to talk to me and the teachers who noticed had long ago given up trying to stop me listening to music, to be honest the faculty as McKinley was a bit useless in some areas. Once when I was younger mum confiscated my I-pod because I spent so much money on I-tunes so I stopped talking to her for a month. I still feel really bad about that.

That's probably the reason I'm so into music, although I did put up a bit of a fight when my dad found out and enrolled me in singing classes. I remember on my first day after he dropped me off at the building I walked up to the receptionist and before she could say anything interjected "My dad made me come". I got the impression she got that a lot. My singing teacher was a greying-haired man named . Like my father he believed that talent could exist in anyone, unlike my father he knew the difference between anyone and everyone. I finished 's classes with what he described as an adequate voice for a back-up singer.

Really the only reason I joined Glee club was because Mike joined. I thought people might bully me because of it but to be honest I don't think they've paid any more attention to me than they did when I was just on the football team.

Discounting Mike I've said literally two sentences to the entire club. Seriously, I've counted.

I realise I've been fumbling in an empty coat pocket and realise I let my dad borrow my I-pod because he was going for a run. It weird when someone borrows your I-pod because the songs are significant to you. Maybe I'm over-thinking things but it's like they're getting a look at something personal and private.

Or maybe I'm just a bit embarrassed over some of the songs. I mean, I'm a big fan of Avenue Q but I only really got the song 'You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love' because it came with the album, half of it is just sex noises. And for that matter I'm not really a fan of Lily Allen, it's just if a song is entitled 'F**k you' it must be good (just look at Cee Lo Green).

Oh God, what if he looks on the audio books. On a whim I bought some of those self-motivational books, you know, the kind that say things like-

"Excuse me."

My deep thought is interrupted by the blonde boy.

"Can I sit here?"

My eyes locked on a soda spillage on the ground, I nod.

"Are you new, I don't really recognise you?"

Oh God, what's the standard protocol for conversation with a stranger on the bus? It's probably one of those social titbits that everyone but me seems to know, like there's some sort of collective pool of social knowledge that everyone but me can tap into. Damn them.

At this point I realise I've just been staring into space for and the blonde guy has given up trying to communicate.

Maybe I should try to say something, grab the bull by the horns. How about 'Hello I'm Matt Rutherford, I'm 17, I'm in Glee club and football, and I'm a massive fan of One Tree Hill. You now know one more thing about me practically everyone in this school'. That would go _really_ well. I shake my head; I probably just shouldn't say anything.

"And then I said 'a gentleman always pays on the first date' and he had the most adorably dorky smile."

"I think it's great that you are going out with the new member," commented Rachel "as team captain I think this should really bolster a sense of team unity."

"Never mind that," said Mercedes "I wanna to hear all the juicy gossip."

"Oh it feels so good to be dating again and back on the cheerios" sighed Quinn with a happy expression.

"Yeah, by getting me bumped to the bottom of the pyramid" Santana muttered scathingly.

Matt had long ago mastered the skill of hovering in the background. No-one paid him any attention so he often just listened to people's conversations. He liked to think he and the other Glee club members knew each other very well, by which he meant he knew everything about them and they took absolutely no interest in him. Then again the others weren't exactly against airing their dirty laundry in the choir room; even used to bitch about his pregnant wife (ex-wife).

The group of girls filed out, leaving me alone apart from Brittany and Artie in the corner, staying behind as I had asked.

Mike and Tina had been going out for a few weeks now and I've started to really like her. I think maybe I can relate to the fact that she was so painfully shy she faked a stutter so no-one would try to talk to her. One unexpected result of their relationship was that Brittany had started going out with Artie, who was clearly still pining after Tina.

For their part they didn't say anything and waited as I chided myself into speaking.

"You two, you two don't understand the importance of talking because you do it all the time."

There was a pause.

"I think what he means," said Artie "is that we need to talk." After a moment he continued "I don't think I was ready for us to have sex and I feel kind of…used."

"You think I don't know what it's like to feel used?" Brittany came out with in her absentminded monotone. "Did you know last term I made out with Kurt? He has really soft hands, kind of like a baby. It turns out he didn't really like me; he was just trying to impress his dad. I wouldn't really have minded except he didn't even tell me. The next day after cheerios I changed from my outfit into a dog outfit I borrowed from the old school mascot because I always wanted us to re-enact this scene from The Lady and the Tramp with my boyfriend and I found out from the other girls that he wasn't going out with me anymore because he realised he actually is gay as a dolphin and it was kind of humiliating."

Artie sighed. "When Tina and Mike first started dating I kept telling myself they'll probably break up, I mean after all the entire basis of their relationship is that they're both Asian."

"Tina and Mike are both Asian?"

"Didn't you know that?"

"I thought Tina said she was a vampire."

"But anyway," continued Artie "from the looks of things their relationship might actually have a chance of beating the curse on the Glee club that seems to stop anyone having a relationship that lasts longer than three months."

Brittany nodded, no doubt thinking about asking Harry Potter or the cast of Wizards of Waverly place to break the curse.

"But recently I realised that even if Tina breaks up with him why would she want to get back together with me? I started thinking and to be honest sometimes I was a terrible boyfriend."

Brittany took over the conversation. "I think I have feelings for Santana. I mean, I have made out with practically everyone in this school, but most of the other stories about things I've done are just rumours started by Santana to make us look cool. Whenever me and Santana are making out she makes it abundantly clear that she doesn't love me, but-" Brittany paused before continuing "If anyone would say anything stupid Santana would give them a verbal beat-down but if I said anything really stupid she just smiled at me."

"It is kind of endearing."

Brittany continued "I think maybe I convinced myself that she felt the same way."

Artie took a hold of her hand. "Since when have we been so screwed up?"

"Since when have relationships been really hard?"

Artie and Brittany were smiling at each other.

"Hey Artie, you know how we didn't sing in the duets competition?"

"Yeah."

"Well there's a song I was hoping you would perform with me."

After a moments organisation Artie pulled out his electric guitar and began to play whilst Brittany sang.

Artie:  
_The trouble with schools is  
They always try to teach the wrong lesson  
Believe me, I've been kicked out  
Of enough of them to know  
They want you to become less callow  
Less shallow  
But I say: Why invite stress in?  
Stop studying strife  
And learn to live "the unexamined life"_

Brittany:

_Dancing through life  
Skimming the surface  
Gliding where turf is smooth  
Life's more painless  
For the brainless  
Why think too hard?  
When it's so soothing  
Dancing through life  
No need to tough it  
When you can sluff it off as I do  
Nothing matters  
But knowing nothing matters  
It's just life_  
_So keep dancing through..._

Matt silently left the choir room with a new resolve.

"You know how I didn't perform in the duet competition?" I had thought that Kurt might ask to partner with me, but apparently the thought hadn't even crossed anybodies mind. Although to be honest Kurt put on a better show with his one-man duet than he would have with a partner. "Well I was wondering if I could perform a song in front of the group next week."

The Spanish teacher blinked blinked. "Sure Matt, that would be great."

Walking from his office I saw Artie and Brittany by some lockers.

"Artie I have a present for you." She handed over a small box inside of which was a necklace. "I had it specially made."

Hanging from a gold chain was a love heart. It was split in two halves, the left half blue and the right red, by a crack running down the middle. Although the crack was uneven the two halves were shaped as to fit each other exactly and form a complete heart.

"Two broken hearts completing one other" said Artie and Brittany smiled to herself, evidently pleased he understood.

Then Artie reached over and kissed her gently on the lips. "I'm going over to English if you need a lift." Brittany hopped onto his wheelchair and he rolled down the corridor.

Standing in front of the entire Glee club everybody was looking at me, but I saw Brittany and Artie smiling at me, Tina grinning and Mike giving me a thumbs up.

The music started and I began to sing, crooning and out of key.

_Don't say a word  
Even in the classroom, not a dickie bird  
Unlike other children, she's seen and never heard  
She's given up talking, don't say a word  
_

My mouth was dry and raspy but I carried on regardless.

_You see her in the playground, standing on her own  
Everybody wonders, why she's all alone  
Someone made her angry, someone's got her scared  
She's given up talking, don't say a word_

Ah but when she comes home, it's yap-a-yap-yap  
Words are running freely, like the water from a tap  
Her brothers and her sisters, can't get a word in edgeways  
But when she's back at school again, she goes into a daze

Ah but when she comes home, it's yap-a-yap-yap  
Words are running freely, like the water from a tap  
Her brothers and her sisters, can't get a word in edgeways  
But when she's back at school again, she goes into a daze

She's given up talking, don't say a word  
Even in the classroom, not a dickie bird  
Unlike other children, she's seen and never heard  
She's given up talking, don't say a word

She's given up talking_  
__She don't say a word_

The members of the Glee club clapped, mostly out of politeness but I didn't care.

I'm taking the bull by the horns.

**Songs used are 'Walking through life' from Wicked and 'She's given up talking' by Paul McCartney**


End file.
